What are YOU Thankful For????
Inspiration of the Day
Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepard
I shall not want
He makes me to lie down
In green pastures
He Leads me beside still waters
He restores my Soul
He guides me in paths of righteousness
For his names sake.
Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me:
your rod and your staff, They comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows, surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER.
The Lord is my Shepard
I shall not want
He makes me to lie down
In green pastures
He Leads me beside still waters
He restores my Soul
He guides me in paths of righteousness
For his names sake.
Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me:
your rod and your staff, They comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows, surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER.
A Small Witness
Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning service at their church, the Pastor and his eleven year old son would go out into their town and hand out Gospel tracts.
This particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time for the Pastor and his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold outside as well as pouring down rain. The boy bundled up in his warmest and driest clothes and said--- "OK dad, I'm ready."
His father the pastor asked---"Ready for what ?"
"Dad, it's time we gather our tracts together and go out."
Dad responds, "Son, it's very cold outside and it's pouring down rain."
The boy gives his dad a surprised look, asking "But Dad, aren't people still lost and lonely, even though it's raining?"
Dad answers, "Son, I am not going out in this weather."
Despondently, the boy ask "Dad, can I go? Please?"
His father hesitated for a moment then said, "Son, you can go. Here are the tracts, be careful son."
"Thanks Dad! " And with that, he was off and out into the rain.
This eleven year old boy walked the streets of the town going door to door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel tract. After two hours of walking in the rain, he was soaking, bone-chilled wet and down to his VERY LAST TRACT.
He stopped on a corner and looked for someone to hand a tract to, but the streets were totally deserted. Then he turned toward the first home he saw - and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang the door bell He rang the bell, but nobody answered. He rang it again and again, but still no one answered. He waited but still no answer.
Finally, this eleven year old trooper turned to leave, but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited, something holding him there on the front porch.
He rang again, and this time the door slowly opened. Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady. She softly asked " What can I do for you son?" With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, this little boy said, "Ma'am, I'm sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU, and I came to give you my very last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about JESUS and His great LOVE."
With that, he handed her his last tract, and turned to leave. She called to him as he departed. "Thank you, son! And God Bless You!"
Well, the following Sunday morning in church Pastor Dad was in the pulpit. As the service began, he asked, " Does anybody have a testimony or want to say anything?"
Slowly, in the back row of the church, an elderly lady stood to her feet. As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face,
"No one in this church knows me. I've never been here before. You see, before last Sunday I was not a Christian. My husband passed on some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart that I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home.
I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the
roof, then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck. Standing on that chair, so lonely and brokenhearted I was about to leap off, when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought, "I'll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go away.
"I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent, and then the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again, "Who on earth could this be?! Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me."
I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the bell rang louder and louder. When I opened the door and looked I could hardly believe my eyes, for there on my front porch was the most radiant and angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life.
His SMILE, oh, I could never describe it to you! And the words that came from his mouth caused my heart, that had long been dead, TO LEAP TO LIFE as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, "Ma'am, I just came to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU."
Then he gave me this Gospel tract that I now hold in my hand. As the little angel disappeared back out into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read slowly every word of this Gospel Tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I wouldn't be needing them any more.
You see, "I am now a Happy Child of the KING and since the address of your church was on the back of this Gospel tract, I have come here to personally say THANK YOU TO God's little angel who came just in the nick of time and, by so doing, spared my soul from eternity in hell."
There was not a dry eye in the church. And as shouts of praise and honor to THE KING resounded off the very rafters of the building, Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little angel was seated. He took his son in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably. Probably no church has had a more glorious moment, And probably this universe has never seen a Papa that was more filled with love & honor for his son...
Except for One. This Father also allowed His Son to go out into a cold and dark world. He received His Son back with joy unspeakable, and as all of heaven shouted praises and honor to The King, The Father sat His beloved Son on a throne far above all principality and power and every name that is named.
Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning service at their church, the Pastor and his eleven year old son would go out into their town and hand out Gospel tracts.
This particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time for the Pastor and his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold outside as well as pouring down rain. The boy bundled up in his warmest and driest clothes and said--- "OK dad, I'm ready."
His father the pastor asked---"Ready for what ?"
"Dad, it's time we gather our tracts together and go out."
Dad responds, "Son, it's very cold outside and it's pouring down rain."
The boy gives his dad a surprised look, asking "But Dad, aren't people still lost and lonely, even though it's raining?"
Dad answers, "Son, I am not going out in this weather."
Despondently, the boy ask "Dad, can I go? Please?"
His father hesitated for a moment then said, "Son, you can go. Here are the tracts, be careful son."
"Thanks Dad! " And with that, he was off and out into the rain.
This eleven year old boy walked the streets of the town going door to door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel tract. After two hours of walking in the rain, he was soaking, bone-chilled wet and down to his VERY LAST TRACT.
He stopped on a corner and looked for someone to hand a tract to, but the streets were totally deserted. Then he turned toward the first home he saw - and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang the door bell He rang the bell, but nobody answered. He rang it again and again, but still no one answered. He waited but still no answer.
Finally, this eleven year old trooper turned to leave, but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited, something holding him there on the front porch.
He rang again, and this time the door slowly opened. Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady. She softly asked " What can I do for you son?" With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, this little boy said, "Ma'am, I'm sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU, and I came to give you my very last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about JESUS and His great LOVE."
With that, he handed her his last tract, and turned to leave. She called to him as he departed. "Thank you, son! And God Bless You!"
Well, the following Sunday morning in church Pastor Dad was in the pulpit. As the service began, he asked, " Does anybody have a testimony or want to say anything?"
Slowly, in the back row of the church, an elderly lady stood to her feet. As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face,
"No one in this church knows me. I've never been here before. You see, before last Sunday I was not a Christian. My husband passed on some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart that I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home.
I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the
roof, then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck. Standing on that chair, so lonely and brokenhearted I was about to leap off, when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought, "I'll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go away.
"I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent, and then the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again, "Who on earth could this be?! Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me."
I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the bell rang louder and louder. When I opened the door and looked I could hardly believe my eyes, for there on my front porch was the most radiant and angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life.
His SMILE, oh, I could never describe it to you! And the words that came from his mouth caused my heart, that had long been dead, TO LEAP TO LIFE as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, "Ma'am, I just came to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU."
Then he gave me this Gospel tract that I now hold in my hand. As the little angel disappeared back out into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read slowly every word of this Gospel Tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I wouldn't be needing them any more.
You see, "I am now a Happy Child of the KING and since the address of your church was on the back of this Gospel tract, I have come here to personally say THANK YOU TO God's little angel who came just in the nick of time and, by so doing, spared my soul from eternity in hell."
There was not a dry eye in the church. And as shouts of praise and honor to THE KING resounded off the very rafters of the building, Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little angel was seated. He took his son in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably. Probably no church has had a more glorious moment, And probably this universe has never seen a Papa that was more filled with love & honor for his son...
Except for One. This Father also allowed His Son to go out into a cold and dark world. He received His Son back with joy unspeakable, and as all of heaven shouted praises and honor to The King, The Father sat His beloved Son on a throne far above all principality and power and every name that is named.
Footprints in the Sand
One night a person had a dream. She dreamed she was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from her life. For each scene she noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to hier, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of her life flashed before her, she looked at the footprints in the sand and noticed that there times along the path of her life when there was only one set of footprints. She also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times. This really bothered her and so she questioned the Lord about it, who replied, "My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trials and temptations, that single set of footprints are mine when I picked you up and carried you through our hardest times."
Greater Love
The violent grinding of brakes suddenly applied, and the harsh creaking of skidding wheels gradually died away as the big car came to a stop. Eddie quickly picked himself up from the dusty pavement where he had been thrown, and looked around wildly.
Agnes! Where was his little sister he had been holding by the hand when they had started to cross the street? The next moment he saw her under the big car that had run them down, her eyes closed, a dark stain slowly spreading on her white face.
With one bound the boy was under the car, trying to lift the child.
"You'd better not try, son," said a man gently. "Someone has gone to telephone for an ambulance."
"She's not...dead, is she, Mister?" Eddie begged in a husky voice.
The man stooped and felt the limp little pulse. "No, my boy," he said slowly.
A policeman came up, dispersed the collecting crowd, and carried the unconscious girl into a nearby drug-store. Eddie's folded coat made a pillow for her head until the ambulance arrived. He was permitted to ride in the conveyance with her to the hospital. Something about the sturdy, shabbily dressed boy, who could not be more than ten years old, and his devotion to his little sister, strangely touched the hearts of the hardened hospital apprentices.
"We must operate at once," said the surgeon after a brief preliminary examination. "She has been injured internally, and has lost a great deal of blood." He turned to Eddie who, inarticulate with grief, stood dumbly by. "Where do you live?"
Eddie told him that their father was dead, and that his mother did day work--he did not know where.
"We can't wait to find her," said the surgeon, "Because by that time it might be too late."
Eddie waited in the sitting-room while the surgeons worked over Agnes.
After what seemed an eternity a nurse sought him out.
"Eddie," she said kindly, "Your sister is very bad, and the doctor wants to make a transfusion. Do you know what that is?" Eddie shook his head.
"She has lost so much blood she cannot live unless someone gives her his. Will you do it for her?"
Eddie's wan face grew paler, and he gripped the knobs of the chair so hard that his knuckles became white. For a moment he hesitated; then gulping back his tears, he nodded his head and stood up.
"That's a good lad," said the nurse. She patted his head, and led the way to the elevator which whisked them to the operating room-- a very clean but evil-smelling room, with pale green walls and innumerable shiny instruments in glass cases. No one spoke to Eddie except the nurse who directed him in a low voice how to prepare for the ordeal. The boy bit his quivering lip and silently obeyed.
"Are you ready?" asked a man swathed in white from head to foot, turning from the table over which he had been bending. For the first time Eddie noticed who it was lying there so still. Little Agnes! And he was going to make her well. He stepped forward quickly.
Two hours later the surgeon looked up with a smile into the faces of the young interns and nurses who were engrossed in watching the great man's work. "Fine," he said, "I think she'll pull through."
After the transfusion Eddie had been told to lie quietly on a cot in the corner of the room. In the excitement of the delicate operation he had been entirely forgotten. "It was wonderful, Doctor!" exclaimed one of the young interns. "A miracle!" Nothing, he felt in his enthusiastic recognition of the marvels of surgery, could be greater than the miracles of science.
"I am well satisfied," said the surgeon with conscious pride.
There was a tug at the sleeve, but he did not notice. In a little while there was another tug--this time more peremptory--and the great surgeon glanced down to see a ragged, pale faced boy looking steadily up into his face.
"Say, Doctor," said a husky voice, "When do I die?"
The interns laughed and the great surgeon smiled. "Why, what do you mean, my boy?" he asked kindly.
"I thought...when they took a guy's blood...he died," muttered Eddie.
The smiles faded from the lips of doctors and nurses, and the young intern who had thought there was nothing greater than the miracle of science, caught his breath suddenly.
GREATER LOVE HATH NO MAN THAN THIS, THAT HE LAY DOWN HIS LIFE!
This ragged lad had climbed to the very height of nobility and sacrifice, and showed them a glimpse of the greatest miracle of all--a selfless LOVE! But Eddie must never know this. The lesson was too poignantly beautiful to be wasted. The great surgeon motioned the others for silence. "I think after all you will get well, Eddie," he said gruffly. "You and little Agnes."
The violent grinding of brakes suddenly applied, and the harsh creaking of skidding wheels gradually died away as the big car came to a stop. Eddie quickly picked himself up from the dusty pavement where he had been thrown, and looked around wildly.
Agnes! Where was his little sister he had been holding by the hand when they had started to cross the street? The next moment he saw her under the big car that had run them down, her eyes closed, a dark stain slowly spreading on her white face.
With one bound the boy was under the car, trying to lift the child.
"You'd better not try, son," said a man gently. "Someone has gone to telephone for an ambulance."
"She's not...dead, is she, Mister?" Eddie begged in a husky voice.
The man stooped and felt the limp little pulse. "No, my boy," he said slowly.
A policeman came up, dispersed the collecting crowd, and carried the unconscious girl into a nearby drug-store. Eddie's folded coat made a pillow for her head until the ambulance arrived. He was permitted to ride in the conveyance with her to the hospital. Something about the sturdy, shabbily dressed boy, who could not be more than ten years old, and his devotion to his little sister, strangely touched the hearts of the hardened hospital apprentices.
"We must operate at once," said the surgeon after a brief preliminary examination. "She has been injured internally, and has lost a great deal of blood." He turned to Eddie who, inarticulate with grief, stood dumbly by. "Where do you live?"
Eddie told him that their father was dead, and that his mother did day work--he did not know where.
"We can't wait to find her," said the surgeon, "Because by that time it might be too late."
Eddie waited in the sitting-room while the surgeons worked over Agnes.
After what seemed an eternity a nurse sought him out.
"Eddie," she said kindly, "Your sister is very bad, and the doctor wants to make a transfusion. Do you know what that is?" Eddie shook his head.
"She has lost so much blood she cannot live unless someone gives her his. Will you do it for her?"
Eddie's wan face grew paler, and he gripped the knobs of the chair so hard that his knuckles became white. For a moment he hesitated; then gulping back his tears, he nodded his head and stood up.
"That's a good lad," said the nurse. She patted his head, and led the way to the elevator which whisked them to the operating room-- a very clean but evil-smelling room, with pale green walls and innumerable shiny instruments in glass cases. No one spoke to Eddie except the nurse who directed him in a low voice how to prepare for the ordeal. The boy bit his quivering lip and silently obeyed.
"Are you ready?" asked a man swathed in white from head to foot, turning from the table over which he had been bending. For the first time Eddie noticed who it was lying there so still. Little Agnes! And he was going to make her well. He stepped forward quickly.
Two hours later the surgeon looked up with a smile into the faces of the young interns and nurses who were engrossed in watching the great man's work. "Fine," he said, "I think she'll pull through."
After the transfusion Eddie had been told to lie quietly on a cot in the corner of the room. In the excitement of the delicate operation he had been entirely forgotten. "It was wonderful, Doctor!" exclaimed one of the young interns. "A miracle!" Nothing, he felt in his enthusiastic recognition of the marvels of surgery, could be greater than the miracles of science.
"I am well satisfied," said the surgeon with conscious pride.
There was a tug at the sleeve, but he did not notice. In a little while there was another tug--this time more peremptory--and the great surgeon glanced down to see a ragged, pale faced boy looking steadily up into his face.
"Say, Doctor," said a husky voice, "When do I die?"
The interns laughed and the great surgeon smiled. "Why, what do you mean, my boy?" he asked kindly.
"I thought...when they took a guy's blood...he died," muttered Eddie.
The smiles faded from the lips of doctors and nurses, and the young intern who had thought there was nothing greater than the miracle of science, caught his breath suddenly.
GREATER LOVE HATH NO MAN THAN THIS, THAT HE LAY DOWN HIS LIFE!
This ragged lad had climbed to the very height of nobility and sacrifice, and showed them a glimpse of the greatest miracle of all--a selfless LOVE! But Eddie must never know this. The lesson was too poignantly beautiful to be wasted. The great surgeon motioned the others for silence. "I think after all you will get well, Eddie," he said gruffly. "You and little Agnes."
THE EIGHT BEATITUDES OF JESUS
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure of heart,
for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Gospel of St. Matthew 5:3-10
Crazy misprints found in church bulletins! :)
*"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."
* "Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
*"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
* "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
* "O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
* "After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."
*"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
* "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
* "The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
* "Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
*"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
*"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
*"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
* "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
* "Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
* "Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
* "Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
* "The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
* "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"
*"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
*"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."
* "Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
*"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
* "Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
*"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
*"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."
*"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
* "The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
*"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
* "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
* "Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)"
* "He came down and saved my soup."
* "Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
*"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
* "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
* "O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
* "After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."
*"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
* "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
* "The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
* "Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
*"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
*"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
*"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
* "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
* "Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
* "Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
* "Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
* "The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
* "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"
*"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
*"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."
* "Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
*"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
* "Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
*"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
*"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."
*"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
* "The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
*"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
* "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
* "Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)"
* "He came down and saved my soup."
Church Signs
Church Signs “Looking for a sign from God? This is it.”
“Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
“Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”
“Sign broken: Message inside this Sunday.”
“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?”
The Sin of Lying
The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about
the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to
read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
Miracles in the Bible
A newly converted hippie was very interestedly reading the Bible while
waiting for transportation and every now and then would exclaim,
“Alleluia, Praise the Lord, Amen” and on and on as he read on. A skeptic
heard him and came and asked what he was reading. He answered” I am
reading how God parted the red sea and let the Israelites go
through–that is a miracle!” The skeptic explained “Do not believe
everything the Bible tells you. The truth of the matter is that that
body of water was only really 6 inches deep– so it was not miracle.” The
hippie nodded in disappointment but kept on reading as the skeptic was
walking away feeling proud that he had set the hippie straight. All of a
sudden the skeptic heard the hippie let out a big “Alleluia, PTL”. At
this the skeptic came back to him and asked, “What is it this time?” The
hippie said excitedly in one breath, “This one is a real miracle, God
drowned the whole Egyptian army in 6 inches of water!!!”
How we got the internet!
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town
to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s tent and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.
Author Known
Submitted by Richard
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town
to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s tent and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.
Author Known
Submitted by Richard
Commercials
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN … He works miracles.
God is like a FORD … He’s got a better idea.
God is like COKE … He’s the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS … He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE … He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC … He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS … He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER … Try Him, you’ll like him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE … You can’t see him, but you know He’s there.
God is like DELTA … He’s ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE … You’re in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY … He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP … Aren’t you glad you have Him. Don’t you wish everybody did.
A Morning Prayer
Dear God:
So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I’m glad of that, but in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed and from there on I’m going to need a lot more help. Thanking you in advance. Amen.
